Need to know
When my ex-husband and I ultimately decided to get a divorce, it was more of a "I give up!" moment for both of us than a blowout that tore us apart. After battling for a long time, bickering, not having sex or affection, and seeing numerous couples therapists, we were finally on the same page. But beneath the serene exterior, I was in excruciating pain. I had a sneaking suspicion that he was heading back to his lover. I was experiencing an agonizing form of grief that was composed of constant anger, acute worry about our children and the future, and utter sadness. "What's going to happen next?" was the thought bubble that hovered over my head as I moved around. How in the world will I get over this?
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| How to survive and thrive through divorce |
I'll examine the answers to those concerns in this guide based on my personal experience going through a divorce, what I've learned from pertinent social science research, and my thirty years of expertise as a psychologist helping people through these trying times. I'll be giving practical advice on how to cope with life after a separation or divorce as well as tips on how to take control of your thoughts and the panicked anxieties that might be bothering you.
My personal fears were both general and highly specific. Our seven-year-old kid kept questioning, "Why is Daddy living in a "department"?" and I became quite concerned about him. and our 11-year-old daughter, who developed a strong protective bond with her younger brother in addition to becoming very irritated with him. Both had already experienced several years of uncertainty brought on by disgruntled parents.
I was concerned that I wouldn't have the money to stay in our house and continue living in a neighborhood where my kids could play with a plethora of other kids all day long, where I could call neighbors for dog care and carpools. I feared that I would live with the persona of "Rejected and Divorced" and be alone forever.
The years that followed were difficult—I can't downplay that—but they also brought about the kind of development and wisdom that enabled me to have a second marriage that has lasted for 20 years, to have new experiences that I never would have thought possible, to be close friends with my ex-husband and his wife, and—thank God—to see our kids grow, recover, and succeed, finding amazing partners in the process.
After a divorce, many people struggle to overcome feelings of helplessness, pessimism, and failure. Divorcing parents are particularly concerned about how the split may affect their kids. Many people are unaware that, if they are aware of the most potent risk factors and protective variables, they can reduce the risk to themselves and their children.
Divorce can disrupt your social connections in a variety of ways. Some friends might no longer invite you to dinner parties since you are no longer in a relationship. You might have to leave behind your neighborhood roots and relocate. You might not try to set up social dates with friends and family because of your bad attitude. I'll go into more detail later on how to work on building, preserving, and fortifying your network of social support following a divorce.
Last but not least, a lot of people who have made the painful decision to dissolve a marriage worry about making the same mistakes they did in the past and reestablishing unhealthy patterns of relationship in the future. I'll offer you tips on how to change those habits so you can have more wholesome relationships in the future.
For both adults and children, the human spirit may be extraordinarily resilient. I'll go over decisions you can make in your daily life to increase your resilience, facilitate adaptation, and create a solid social network that will safeguard your mental well-being and, in the long run, improve your physical well-being. The story doesn't end with a divorce. Although this chapter is highly emotional and frequently rather depressing, many more will be written in the future.
What to do
Consider how you divorce
One strategy to provide cushioning for you and your family if you are thinking of separating or are on the verge of a divorce is to carefully evaluate the process to use to make plans and settle your disagreements around finances, property, and custody. Couples might opt for a procedure that will be less combative, offer more support, and depend less on court rulings and more on the opinions and considerations of all parties. Most people can benefit from mediation, "collaborative divorce," or "cooperative negotiation" approaches, while litigation is required in a few circumstances. When a divorce is legally finalized, these models have a significant impact on how people will land.
My psychological advice in this guide will be applicable regardless of the type of divorce process you have gone through, even if a discussion of these many collaborative divorce models and procedures is outside the purview of this guide. Some of the advice will specifically address how to bounce back from more traumatic divorce situations.
SMART objectives might help you regain control over your life.
Making a "business plan for life" is a smart place to start while going through a divorce in order to take back control and start a new chapter in your life. In addition to helping you develop a sense of empowerment—an "I can do this!" moment—setting intentions regarding your financial, psychological, relationship, and parenting well-being will encourage you to make deliberate decisions in all facets of your life at a time when unpleasant feelings have the power to override reason. You can use these goal posts to set your intentions for the first year or two following a divorce using the SMART goal-setting framework, which was taken from the fields of corporate management and industrial psychology:
Specific (simple, sensible, significant)
Measurable (meaningful, motivating)
Achievable (attainable)
Relevant (reasonable, realistic and resourced, results-based)
Time-bound (time-based, time-limited, time/cost-limited, timely, time-sensitive)
I've included some of my own objectives from years ago below to give you an idea of what these might entail. Keep in mind that not every goal you establish has to meet every SMART requirement. A good place to start is by trying to suit one or more of them:
In particular: plan biweekly potluck dinners with a few other mothers and their kids to make sure I'm forming relationships and planning exciting activities without separating myself from the kids.
Measurable: I want to cut down on my financial concern and increase my revenue by taking on a few client hours each week.
Achievable: I'll keep going to my own private therapy once a week and ask my therapist to waive her cost for the next few months as I get used to a new financial situation.
Relevant: I make plans to spend one-on-one time with each of my kids because I know that this will help me stay aware of how they are handling things and will let them know that I am focused on them, which will counterbalance the times when I feel stressed and concerned with my own emotions.
Time-bound: (1) Make a commitment to myself to perform 50 sit-ups and 25 push-ups, as well as to go for a daily 30-minute walk with our dog, whether or not the kids are there. Maintain a record of your workouts. Purchase a new article of apparel for myself if I maintain this for 30 days. (2) Communicate with my brothers on a regular basis, preferably by phone. Within the upcoming months, schedule a visit with each of them. (3) To ensure that I am not alone, arrange with friends or family for the Christmas break when the children will be with their father. By November 1st, try to confirm a plan.
As you can see, a number of these objectives are related to gaining and utilizing social support, which I will discuss in greater detail below.
I would add a big warning when making this kind of plan (and writing it down): if you don't accomplish any of your goals, you may feel bad about yourself or even beat yourself up. Including a remark that reaching any one of your goals will be beneficial is one method to protect yourself against that result. Perfect is not the enemy of good! Finding moments of pride and giving oneself lots of get-out-of-jail-free cards are crucial goals when dealing with something as difficult or devastating as a divorce.
Working on this type of plan might help you feel proud and relieve worry related to the many things you might be concerned about. After all, you've got a strategy now and are moving forward with some well-considered ideas that might aid in your recuperation.
Cultivate your social support
Divorce has an almost inevitable impact on your social life, so one particularly crucial step during this time is to make an effort to plan, connect with others, and look after yourself by telling friends you need them and making sure you return the favor by inviting them to join you or set up activities.
I started hosting casual potluck meals with friends once a month, which was a really beneficial concept when I was getting over my divorce and resulted in decades of successful connections. We took turns hosting dinners at our residences across the city. These potlucks became popular gatherings for everyone, even if some individuals enjoyed hosting and others would rather just stop by as guests. Our network grew as a result of the evenings; everyone was able to interact with people they already knew as well as meet new people. Discussions resulted in connections that opened doors for practical support, such as carpooling, shared babysitting, and dog-sitting, as well as chances for emotional support.
Paying attention to all the chances you have during the week for brief encounters with "weak ties" is another simple method to improve your sense of connection and your overall experience of happiness and wellness. "Weak ties" are those people in your life that you see frequently but don't have a close relationship with, like the coffee shop barista who knows your name or the person you see every morning at the bus stop. This contrasts with "strong ties" with friends, family, and close coworkers. The remarkable advantages we experience from establishing, observing, and having discussions with these individuals we see frequently—or even just once—have been examined by social scientists Mark Granovetter and Gillian Sandstrom. According to their research, if you have a nice interaction with a stranger once or twice, that person goes from being a stranger to someone who makes you feel a part of your community, a little less alone, and a little happy both now and in the future.
These small exchanges are beautiful because they are accessible to anyone. Breaking the ice with friendliness, despite any initial awkwardness, is the hardest thing for those of us who might be more timid or introverted. I suggest giving it a try! Do a quick experiment on yourself if you are not already the type of person that always says "Hello" to everyone they meet and engages in conversation with strangers. Every day, make a conscious effort to say "Hello" and strike up a brief discussion with one stranger. "That T-shirt is amazing!" I also support the Red Sox! You're managing this lengthy line really well. I am aware that patience is required. Alternatively, "Good morning. I believe I've seen you at this bus stop previously." Just down the street is where I reside.
Consider how it feels to start these small conversations and make an effort to pay attention when someone else starts them. If you discover that it becomes easier and more enjoyable over time, observe if this results in a stronger sense of community, whether it be inside your building, neighborhood, or anywhere else. Recognize that by doing this, you are strengthening your mental and physical health, which will enable you to go on and rebuild your life. Who knows? It could even result in a new romantic partnership.
Aim for cooperative coparenting
This step, which discusses parenting strategies you can use or strive for, to protect your kids during a divorce and reduce your own long-term stress that could otherwise result from coparenting conflict, can be skipped if you are childless. If you want coparenting advice that focuses specifically on the sometimes awkward process of child handoffs and handovers, please visit the Learn More section of this guide below.
One of the main risk factors for children after a divorce is parental discord. Disagreements that last for years and center on child-related issues (e.g., who will pay for a prom dress, who will pick up the kids after soccer, or whether the kids can phone the off-duty parent whenever they want) are especially harmful.
By using the following strategy, coparenting disputes can be avoided or kept to a minimum and promptly settled. The books BIFF: Quick Responses to High-Conflict People (2011) and BIFF for CoParent Communication: Your Guide to Difficult Texts, Emails, and Social Media Posts (2020), written by Bill Eddy, co-founder of the High Conflict Institute in San Diego, serve as its foundation. Brief, informative, friendly, and firm are what "BIFF" stands for. I'll go over each point with you one by one.
First, communicate with your coparent about children's matters in a concise manner. This translates to a single, brief paragraph. Better yet, a few of phrases. A message can be kept brief and easy to understand by using bullet points. Think about having a talk when you and your coparent are both feeling available and in a positive frame of mind, especially if the matter is complicated and calls for debate. (If the relationship is so strained that it seems difficult to have a polite discussion, schedule a consultation with a mental health specialist who has experience assisting coparents in minimizing conflict.)
Second, only send informative messages to your coparent regarding your kids—that is, messages that are detailed and focused on a specific, tangible subject. Don't bring up irrelevant topics, old hurts, your coparent's shortcomings, or grievances.
Third, I suggest that my clients revise all written communications and strive for a cordial, or at the very least, cooperative tone. Remove all sarcasm from their words and tone. The goal is to rise above and adhere to BIFF, even if you are responding to a rude or caustic communication. You may live a longer life and safeguard your children and other relationships by lowering stress and conflict.
Fourth, communicate with your children in a solid manner, which entails being explicit and outlining your views. A straightforward but unambiguous "I am so sorry, I am not able to do that" is preferable to hemming, hawing, or defensive excuses if you are unable to fulfill a favor that your coparent has requested.
This is an example of an updated email exchange with a coparent who requested that they switch weekends next month to watch the kids.
Original message to the coparent:
ANOTHER QUESTION? Do you mean me? Must I enumerate every favor you have requested from me over the last three months? For me, it is really inconvenient. Once again, I am caught between a rock and a hard place since I know you will be upset if I say no. And how recently did you consent to exchange time with me?
Scrubbed according to the BIFF approach:
I'm so sorry. Next month, I won't be able to make that trade. It's difficult for me right now, but I'll try to be more understanding later this spring.
I've helped innumerable clients adopt this communication style, and I can assure you that it's not always simple. It can be difficult to take a moment to breathe, relax, and think things through before speaking or hitting "Send" when we are offended by someone's actions, incensed by their behavior, or frequently provoked by long-standing dysfunctional relationship patterns. It will be easier to generate a BIFF message if you can handle those tasks first.
Generally speaking, showing gratitude and appreciation, remaining composed and polite when a coparent behaves badly, and doing everything in your power to shield your kids from arguments between you and the other parent are the grease that keeps the coparenting machine running smoothly. Research indicates that children's adjustment on a variety of scales—academically, socially, and emotionally—is more favorable over time when parents are able to communicate collaboratively and children perceive that parents get along well. Additionally, children stay considerably closer to both parents as they grow up when there is less disagreement.
In keeping with that, here are two more pointers for parents, particularly during the first few months and years after a divorce, when everyone is going through a challenging learning curve:
1. To help manage children's hectic schedules and alleviate scheduling conflicts, think about utilizing a coparenting tool like Our Family Wizard.
2. Ask your coparent to participate in exchanging weekly "logs" with you. Logs are concise descriptions of the kids' progress during your time with them; think of them as bullet points. Your children's health, any noteworthy events from daycare or school, and their social lives and other activities may be among the subjects covered.
Logs give parents insight into their children's lives when they were living in the other house. As a result, parents may help children adjust to living in two different houses and can follow up with them with events that occurred during your separation. In addition to helping coparents feel educated and appreciated, this minimizes conflict and improves parents' feeling of wellbeing while also giving kids a sense of family togetherness.
Prepare for the next chapter of you
It's common to spend a lot of time considering your identity as a "divorced person" when you are going through or adjusting to a divorce. When you're ready to start looking to the future, you may naturally worry about whether you'll ever find love again or that, if and when you do, you might make the same mistakes you've made in the past and end up in another unhappy relationship.
When I work with someone who is ending a marriage or getting over a divorce, I share my belief that the most crucial exercise for getting ready for future relationships is to take the time to reflect on their past relationship patterns and make a concerted effort to determine which ones contributed to their divorce and which ones led to their health and happiness.
Another approach to look at this is to think about what you need and want in a relationship with the same consideration that you would give to a job or a home purchase. We frequently fall in love for both conscious and unconscious causes, and while we're high on endorphins and feeling euphoric, we tend to overlook the recurring patterns that make up that new connection. The past, in my opinion, is the finest indicator of the future. You won't develop more effective patterns in the future unless you work hard to learn from the past.
Reflect on past relationship patterns
Examining the multiple roles that each partner plays in a long-term relationship—roles that require different communication styles, different skill sets, and different sets of interpersonal dynamics—is one approach to look both forward and backward. Examining those that pertain to your relationship will be beneficial, but not all of them will apply to everyone.
You may manage a friendship, a roommate relationship, a romantic-partner relationship that typically involves physical intimacy, a sort of business relationship in terms of managing spending and saving, and, for couples with kids, a coparenting relationship.
What I refer to as the "individual growth relationship" is one facet of the partnership that individuals frequently overlook or give less careful thought to: the degree to which each partner helps the other discover purpose in life and develop in a healthy manner over time. This aspect of a relationship may involve the couple's shared spiritual journeys or one partner supporting the other's education and skill development in order to transition to a more fulfilling career. Since people will unavoidably change over the years and decades while they are wedded, this is an essential component of long-term relationships. They will encounter difficulties and hardships, and occasionally they will succeed greatly. How happy or unhappy a couple feels over time is intimately tied to how they handle hardship and achievement.
It is really beneficial for my clients to reflect on how these areas of their marriage worked. Where were the weaknesses and where were the strengths? As you start and build your next long-term relationship, you'll feel more conscious, alert, and engaged if you look at how you contributed to the achievements and issues in one area.
Through numerous sessions of marital counseling during my own divorce, I realized that my husband and I were not doing a very good job of helping each other with our personal development. I disliked his lengthy work hours, but he enjoyed his job. Although he supported my part-time schedule so I could be at home with our young children, he showed little interest in my developing profession. We shared a nice apartment together and were close friends for a long period. We fought over the kids, lost our romance, and spent less and less time together as our disagreements grew more intense.
I started talking to my present husband about every facet of our relationship as soon as I met him. He initially told me that he felt as though I had a miner's light on my forehead, looking into his soul to try and see the cave's nooks and crannies to make sure there were no hidden dangers there or, if there were, to shine the light on them so I could understand them. However, he eventually came to enjoy these conversations. My spouse had mastered the use of his own miner's light by the time we were married two years later. Our ability to work through our differences and truly understand one another has served us well over the past 20 years.
Know the signs of positive (as well as toxic) long-term relationships
Another way to deal with your past relationships and prepare for a future relationship that will be healthy and nurturing is to take stock of some of the fundamental building blocks—as well as sources of toxicity—that are fairly common in marriages. Then, you can stay mindful and aware of any red flags, or encouraging signs, in your future relationships. For this, I think the work of psychologists and marriage experts John and Julie Gottman is particularly accessible and useful.
The Gottmans' most well-known ideas are their "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" and "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse," which are the four interpersonal behaviors that cause misery and, if they occur too frequently, foretell divorce.
The Horsemen are:
1. criticism of a partner;
2. contempt, which is usually derived from a position of superiority;
3. defensiveness; and
4. stonewalling, which is displayed through emotional withdrawal from interactions.
And on the positive side, the seven principles that make a marriage work are:
1. sharing love maps (you and your partner getting to know each other’s inner worlds);
2. nurturing fondness and admiration;
3. turning toward each other, instead of away;
4. letting your partner influence you;
5. solving your solvable problems;
6. overcoming gridlock; and
7. creating shared meaning together.
Whether you are thinking back on your previous marriage to determine what might have gone wrong or you are looking at patterns in your new relationship to determine whether you and your partner are creating healthy patterns, exploring these ideas through the Gottmans' books and other resources can be immensely beneficial.
Take time to adjust, and stay hopeful
Take your time and, if needed, go back to the previous phase only when you're ready because not everyone going through a divorce will be interested in or prepared to consider future love. In actuality, a lot of people choose to avoid dating for a while and spend a considerable amount of time alone. We all gain from spending some time alone, thus I agree with that notion. Divorce adjustment, adaptation, and recovery are extremely crucial tasks that need a significant amount of emotional energy. In order to make that job easier and more hopeful, I hope this guide has provided some useful advice. I firmly believe that life presents us divorced people with new opportunities.
One client who I worked with during the months of her divorce mediation will always be in my memory. When her husband of almost 40 years chose to leave her for a somewhat younger lady, she was in her 70s. She experienced sadness, resentment, and anxiety about her future during the divorce process. She managed to get through it with the help of her close friends, adult children, and mahjong group, but I remember her as a very depressed and shrinking person. She was shrivelled, but on the inside, she was delicious, like a prune.
A lovely, radiant old woman shouted my name on the pavement in front of my office building a few years after I bid her farewell and sent my best wishes. That same client, who was small and cheerful, approached me and gave me a big hug. I gazed at her with astonishment and joy since she appeared to be... content! Even at her advanced age, she informed me that although the divorce had been terrible, it had also given her the chance to make changes in her life. She had moved into a condo downtown, sold her big suburban house, and joined the building's garden club. She felt rejuvenated, younger than ever, and even at peace with her ex-husband's choices when she worked with inner-city teenagers to establish their own vegetable gardens on their school property. She declared, "I never would have ended our marriage." However, I was bored and it was somewhat deserted. He essentially threw me overboard, but I learned to swim and ended up swimming to a completely different location, which I adore!
Although it may sound like a lot of "kumbaya" and rainbows, that scenario is not out of the ordinary. Everybody has the ability to write new chapters in their lives, and those chapters can eventually be thrilling, thought-provoking, and happy.
Key points – How to survive and thrive through divorce
1. Divorce is not the end of the story. It’s a highly emotional, challenging time, but there are going to be many more chapters to your life.
2. Consider how you divorce. Various formal modes of negotiation and cooperation will make the experience less adversarial. If you can, choose one of these processes. Even if you can’t, the following steps will help you through this stage of your life.
3. Use SMART goals to take back control. This process of planning, borrowed from the field of industrial psychology and corporate management, will help you set your intentions for the first year or two post-divorce.
4. Cultivate your social support. It’s almost inevitable that your social world is going to take a knock just when you need more support – so one of the most important steps to take is letting your friends know you need them, as well as looking for new ways to forge connections.
5. Aim for cooperative coparenting. By following the BIFF approach to communication (brief, informative, friendly and firm), you can reduce conflict with your coparent, and protect yourself and your children.
6. Prepare for the next chapter of you. When you’re feeling ready, reflect on your past relationship patterns and get to know the hallmarks of positive (as well as toxic) relationships – this will help you feel aware, alert and active as you initiate and develop your next long-term relationship.
7. Take time to adjust, and stay hopeful. The work of adjusting, adapting and recovering from divorce is so important, and takes up quite a bit of psychic energy. But, remember, life will throw up new opportunities. Your next chapters can be exciting, stimulating and joyful… eventually.
Managing children’s handoffs/handovers
Attempt to construct a timetable that works with the times your kids go to and from school, daycare, or a third party if the handoffs and handovers with your coparent are difficult, tense, or cause you anxiety. If your kids go from Parent A to Parent B on Mondays and back to Parent A on Wednesdays, for instance, Parent A may drop them off at school on Monday and then pick them up again on Wednesday, either directly from school, soccer practice, or after-school care. Even when parent-to-parent transitions are amicable, children frequently experience stress. It is exhausting for kids to feel as though they might be in the middle of anything, and they occasionally fear that there may be conflict or tension. However, planning the drop-offs and pickups this way will help everyone feel more at ease and reduce unpleasant situations with your coparent.
Be mindful of the custodial time limits. Consult your coparent first before scheduling any activities with your child that conflict with their schedule. Aim for a fairly neutral response, such "That's when you will be with your mom/dad," if your child asks you directly, "Can I sleep over at Taylor's house on Friday?" when you know that Friday is your coparent's custodial time. You should check with your parents because I have no idea what's going on that weekend. I may let them know you've been invited if you'd like.
Similar to this, if your child informs you about a field trip and you would want to accompany them as a chaperone but the trip takes place during your coparent's time, you can reply to them in a neutral way by saying something like, "It sounds like you're looking forward to that trip!" After that, have a conversation with your coparent away from your child to find out if they would like to chaperone themselves or if they are comfortable with you taking on the role. They should be given preference when it comes to chaperoning if it's their day with your youngster. If they say it's okay for you to go on the vacation, thank them.
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